Fear of Success? Fear of Failure?

By Lorraine Cohen

What's holding you back?

One of my clients came to me saying he wanted to expand his business - something he had thought about for years. He described the changes he wanted to make but he had taken limited action to make those changes happen. When he talked about what he wanted, his eyes lit up, he smiled, and there was passion and joy in his voice. Years? What was stopping him? I listened as he expressed his internal conflict. He said " My business is going well, and it’s not like I have to make changes, maybe it's not that important… on and on." Bottom line - some part of him inside continued to feel unfulfilled.

On the surface, it sounded like the changes he wanted to make were for financial gains. Talking further, he realized he was really speaking of a level of service (how he wanted to help people improve their quality of life) and personal fulfillment (actualizing his values, purpose, and vision) that would come from aligning who he is and what he does in a BIGGER way.

We discussed the things he told himself that allowed him to remain stationary. His initial objection was "If I put myself out and take some risks- what if I fail?" (What if this or that happens??? ) I replied, " With all the years of experience you have thinking about what you want without committing to action, you have brilliantly SUCCEEDED in FAILING!

"Congratulations!!!" His eyes widened, and he burst out laughing. By doing nothing, he insured his success at failing.

Going forward in our coaching sessions, we focused on his attitudes about success/failure AND identified his values, needs, purpose, and vision. Increased self-awareness enabled him to make choices and design strategic actions to create greater life satisfaction and self-fulfillment.
Consider a change you have been thinking/talking about for a while without much progress.

To learn more about what may be holding you back from moving forward, ask yourself:

• What is your definition of success? What does success mean to you? Be specific.
• Identify specific successes. What made them successes for you? What value did you receive from succeeding?
• What fears, concerns, or assumptions do you have associated with success?
• How would your life change if you were/felt more successful? (at whatever) • What would you have to give up? What would you gain?
• Who would you become? (happier, self-confident, authentic, stronger???)
In exploring your attitudes about failure, consider the following:
• What is your definition of failure? What does failure mean to you?
• If you fail at something, does that define YOU as a failure?
• What specific failures have you experienced? What value have you received from failing? Be specific
• What fears, concerns, or assumptions do you associate with failure? Are they true?
• Can there be success in failure? If yes, how? If no, say more.
• If you could not fail, what would you be doing? Who would you be?

Fear of success/failure are two sides of the same experience. By definition, success and failure is perceived from multiple viewpoints. Both results offer opportunities for self-discovery and change. Developing the clarity to know who you are on the inside is a key ingredient to achieve rich outcomes with ease, strength, and focus! To live fully, you must fully participate – succeeding and failing for the joy of the experience.
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Copyright 2003, Lorraine Cohen
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Find more articles like this at http://www.Solo-E.com – Keeping Solo Entrepreneurs Juiced in Business and in Life. Our team of Solo Entrepreneurs are comprised of small business experts who support others in finding business success with the flexibility and freedom to have a life, too. Network with other freelancers, self-employed and Solo Entrepreneurs in our forums, enjoy our articles and newsletter, and find other online training opportunities.
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Lorraine Cohen of Powerfull Living (www.powerfull-living.biz) is a Business Coach and Life Strategist. Integrating her therapy background with coaching, she helps people make more money, manage their time, increase self-assurance, resolve inner conflict, stay focused on the results they want, and balance work and home life.

Start Your Day on Your Terms

by Mark Susnow http://www.inspirepossibility.com

Most of us start the day like we're trying to catch a train.
We wake up, grab a cup of coffee, look at the paper and listen to the news. We rush out of the house to make an appointment or deadline or to put the finishing touches on a project. From deadline to appointment it goes. When we leave work we have other responsibilities and obligations, and it doesn't end until we go to sleep, and for some it still doesn't end. We never do catch the train. We forgot one essential thing. We are the conductor and the train can't go anywhere without us.

What if you knew deep inside that the train was not going anywhere? What would it take to develop the wisdom that there was a better way? What changes could you implement that would make a difference? I was a busy trial lawyer for thirty years, always running to catch the train. I still remember racing to the court room full of coffee and stress until I realized I was the conductor of my life. That realization allowed me to make life altering changes that continue to make my life more enjoyable, more successful and more fulfilling.

It all starts with creating your perfect morning. This is your morning, no one else's. Consider waking up to music you love, rather than to the music or news on your alarm clock. Then before doing anything else take 10-15 minutes and sit silently thinking about all you're grateful for. Then start to wonder what the highlight of your day could be. From this new vantage point you might even skip that cup of coffee or that cigarette.

As you leave your house and begin the flow of your day you look at each experience and wonder if this is going to be the highpoint of your day knowing there is more to come. The concept of looking at the highlight of the day can be used in any situation even one that seems unpleasant. Looking for the highlight in this experience or this person can totally change your attitude. As the day unfolds, if you sense that things inside are heating up, consider taking a little break. You might even stretch for five minutes or walk around the block. As your day progresses the biggest difference is the knowledge that you can be busy and be relaxed.

I have found that starting the day this way increases my energy and efficiency throughout the day. When I leave my house centered and focused there is a much greater likelihood that I can maintain this balance throughout the day. There has been plenty of research by psychologists demonstrating the value of taking the time for morning meditation or creative silence. I have been doing this for over thirty years and very rarely feel overwhelmed. I laugh more and generally enjoy my day. Of course I have my challenges and lose my focus periodically, but not for long.
And before I go to sleep I again think about what was most special about this day.

The one thing I do know for certain is that there's a direct correlation between how I start my day and the quality of my life. Try a little experiment. For the next thirty days start your day on your own terms and discover the dramatic changes that are possible.

© 2004 Mark Susnow, inspires people to believe in themselves and achieve their goals. Formerly a 30-year trial attorney Mark's a life coach, speaker, and group facilitator. Learn more about his free ecourse "Take Charge of your Life" and subscribe to 'Letters On Life' ezine at http://www.inspirepossibility.com

HIGHS & LOWS OF BUILDING AN INTERNET BUSINESS

by Suzanne Falter-Barns HowMuchJoy.com

In our recent survey to readers of my ezine, The Joy Letter, I was asked to provide a timeline of the ups and downs in building my motivational website, (HowMuchJoy.com). Ah … where to begin? There have been definite highs and lows in my small business’s 5-year history. Here are some of them, plus lessons learned along the way.

August, 1999. Launched site based on my newly published creativity book with trepidation, despite ‘gut feeling’ that it would succeed. Had no idea what I was doing. Hired fancy author’s web site creator/promoter at vast expense. But people came.

October-December, 1999. Went on 15-city book tour that I booked and paid for; met lots of people and signed ‘em up for ezine, one at a time. Joy Letter list at about 1000.

June, 2000. Republished creativity book with major publisher, and book becomes dual main selection of One Spirit Book Club.
Lots of publicity, more speaking gigs. Joy Letter list up to about 2000-2500.

November, 2000. List disappears! Guy who broadcasts it goes on vacation in Bangkok where he gets sick and is stuck for three months. Never bothers to tell me. I get police involved. High drama. Guy and Joy Letter list eventually turn up again. List up to about 3750.

February, 2001. I sign on with major ezine broadcast service and shopping cart. Launch my first e-products, which do OK, not great. I learn that people don’t really want e-courses as much as they want live contact of teleclasses.

May, 2001. I discover joint ventures with other websites, and begin swapping blurbs, offering teleclasses and more with partners. Jennifer Louden and I team up on what is now an annual event, The Writer’s Spa. It’s clear that two are more powerful together than apart. I continue to develop products and free items for the site.

January, 2002. I sign on with an op*t.in list building service, which provides op*t.in names by promoting your ezine. Joy Letter quickly becomes most popular ezine and I regularly add 3500 double op*t.in names per month. This is great!

May, 2002. I notice that lots of those new names are suddenly strange numerical addresses and IP’s. I start getting flame emails from unhappy people saying things like ‘What is this #@%$*# Joy Letter and where did it come from??!!” Even though I now have close to 15,000 new subscribers, I pull the plug on the formerly great, now highly suspicious op*t.in service.

June, 2002. Joy Letter list hits 25,000 and I have to pay a much higher fee to broadcast/shopping cart company. I get requests for a shippable binder version of the How Much Joy Facilitator’s work, which I launch. It’s an immediate hit.

February, 2003. One year after I begin selling e-commerce products, I find I can almost make a modest living from my profits. I’ve racked up some debt running this company, but it all still feels ‘right in my gut’. Joy Letter list has naturally grown, but broadcast company institutes their new ‘List Hygiene’ program and gets rid of all the addresses that are no good. Suddenly Joy Letter list gets whittled to around 15,000.

February, 2004. CAN-SP*M laws, new SP*M filters, and other obstacles conspire to keep Joy Letter readers from opening their emails from me. I study how to follow the law and still deliver the ezine to those who opt-in to receive it. I get less email than I used to in response to articles, and it’s a new world in email-land. Meanwhile, my e-commerce business continues to grow steadily and I now make a viable living from the website … oh yeah, and I’m still in debt, which I’m working hard to get out of.

June, 2004. I launch a new website, www.selfhelpsalon.com, which I spend the entire winter developing. At the last minute, my advisors make me get rid of the ‘zany New Age guru’ who was gracing the site’s pages, and stick to the topic at hand. We do an entire re-design in 10 grueling days, and I still launch on schedule. As usual, the advisors were right. (But believe me, the zany guru was really fun.)

October, 2004. Still in debt … sigh. Probably will be for a while, but boy have I learned A LOT about how to run a business. I’ve incorporated and become an LLC. Some months I get lots of sales, excited emails from customers, speaking invitations, and great windfalls of all kinds. Other months, I get … less. But isn’t that just like life?

Downsides are that I have ‘Internet Butt’ from being parked in a chair 8-10 hours per day. And I find myself getting up at 5AM to tackle the big pile up in the office. But still, even after the creeping waves of overwhelm, mild attacks of fear, and the frequent sense that I don’t know what I’m doing, I STILL feel like I’m on the right path.

I’ve learned to build meditation into my day as just about the only way I can truly stay grounded while this big, momentous website thing whirls around me. And I’ve learned that I REALLY need to keep the kids from answering my business phone. (Would you want to hear “Howmuchjoy.com, may I help you?” from a 10-year old if you were having a technical problem?) I’ve learned that things can change dramatically from one day to the next in every regard: site traffic, sales, possibilities, and yes … the CEO’s mood.

Most of all, I’ve learned that people actually do want to hear what I have to say. They actually like what I create. And for that I am eternally grateful. It’s all just evidence of my work ’s primary principle: if you’re called to do something, just trust it. The work really will guide you every step of the way.


To learn more about creating your dreams and living your joy, drop by Suzanne Falter-Barns’ website at howmuchjoy.com. Her Living Your Joy Companion Workbook has all kinds of great tools for sweeping your life clean of resistance, and digging into your dream with gusto. HowMuchJoy.com

How To Find Meaning With Your Everyday Work

by Kathy Gates, Professional Life Coach www.reallifecoach.com

Many years ago, I had a job that I wasn’t very happy with. Whenever someone would come into my office and say "How’s it going?’, I’d always answer "I’d rather be fishing." Meaning, of
course, that I’d rather be just about anywhere than where I was (no offense to fishermen).
These days, however, when someone asks me "How’s it going?" I often remark that I would do what I do even if nobody ever paid me. When you do what you love, it doesn’t feel like work. Yes, effort will be required. You may work very very hard. But since you love it, it gives you energy, instead of draining you.

With meaningful work, you tend to work harder than ever, but with much more satisfaction than you ever thought possible. Some of you are probably familiar with Barbara Sher and her book "I could do anything if I only knew what it was". It’s a wonderful book. In it she asks this question --- What makes work meaningful?

Do thoughts of giving up all earthly possessions and working with the poor and underprivileged like Mother Teresa come to mind?

Does it mean to find a cure for a deadly disease? Does it mean to negotiate a peace agreement for the Middle East?

But, as Barbara Sher notes, what happens when you hear someone say this: "When I walked into that bookstore I felt like I was home. I felt I was meant to work there. Everything I’d been and done until then fell into place".

Wow. I’d say that person found meaningful work, wouldn’t you? Yet, there’s nothing about curing cancer, or winning an Olympic metal, or eliminating world hunger in that little bookstore. But to this person, this was a way to spread her love of information, of books, to aid in literacy.
The next person might not get that all, but he might be a person whose heart belongs very much to children and giving them a voice.

Meaningful work is about what has meaning to you. It’s as unique as you are. It’s not something to be created -- it’s something to be *discovered* your own backyard. Doing what you love, something worthwhile, something meaningful are all the same thing. Even mopping the kitchen floor, doing the laundry, or shopping for food can be meaningful and make you feel happy because you are tapping into your highest goal of "making a happy healthy home for me and those I love". The point is that it doesn’t matter what it is. It doesn’t matter that it may never get you on CNN or the Oprah show. If it clicks with a goal that is important to you, then it is meaningful work.

Doing the work you love is a gift to the world. You are using your best abilities in the best possible way. You are doing something worth doing. As noted in the book, Picasso wasn’t trying to help anybody else. Yet he gave the world the most magnificent paintings. The scientist at 3M wasn’t planning on changing the world when he *accidentally* invented Velcro. He was just experimenting, exploring -- doing what he loved to do.

Take a look at what you already are contributing every day. If it’s taking care of toddlers, you’ve got the future lawmakers, teachers, politicians in your hands. If your work shows you injustices in the medical field, exercise your power to vote, to sue, to become an advocate.
Meaning in your every day work is right at your fingertips. But in order to find meaningful work, you have to give up the notion of doing something *huge*. All you have to do is do what’s right for you.

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Kathy Gates is a Professional Life Coach in Scottsdale AZ. If you liked this article, you’ll love her "7 SECRETS to Success" program. Get more information at her website Real Life Coach, http://www.reallifecoach.com/ and sign up for the newsletter.

Deep Tissue Desires

"The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."
- Marcel Proust

The question of what I want has bubbled up frequently in recent weeks. I've explored many facets of wanting: wanting more, wanting less, wanting something different, wanting what I think I can't have, and the challenge of giving myself permission to want what I want.

In my estimation, here are the top eight reasons we don't give ourselves what we want. Hint, hint - this is all about social conditioning - or what you've absorbed from family, friends or "experts" about "the way things should be."

- You've lost touch with what you want and how you feel.
- You're not willing to admit what you want.
- You're afraid of what you want.
- What you want runs headlong into someone else's opposing desires or -- yikes!-- into their fear. This is an "outer critic" showing up.
- Your judgment or someone else's stops you in your tracks.
- Your "inner critic" rears its noisy head, and says "Are you crazy? You don't deserve that!"
- You don't see that you already have what you want.
- You simply can't give yourself permission to want it.

Here's what I'd like you to do right now: Take out a pen and paper and make a list of all that you want, both internally and externally. For example, a more internal desire might be inner peace or self-acceptance, while an external desire might be a fun new sofa or a fun new job. Write whatever comes to mind without any censoring. NO CENSORING. Include everything from wanting new socks to wanting to be more self-aware to wanting to be the President of the United States. Make it a stretch: If you can comfortably make a list of fifty desires, then make a list of sixty. If one hundred is a piece of cake, I challenge you to create a list of two hundred.

As you make your list, notice the following:

- How do you FEEL? Do you feel excited about certain desires? Guilty about others?
- What physical sensations do you feel? Does it feel like someone is tightening a noose around neck? Or do you feel like getting up to dance?
- As you write down each item, what words pop into your head? For example, do you hear gems such as "Oh, that's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!" or "You can't have that!
Who do you think you are? The Queen of Sheba?"

Now prioritize your list by picking your top ten desires. As you look the top ten over, ask yourself again how you feel? What voices do you hear in your head? What beliefs pop into your mind? Where do you notice your social conditioning showing up? How does your body feel? Do your top ten desires have a common theme? What did you just become aware of?
At the end of day, what we want is usually pretty simple and clear. It's our feelings and judgment that get in the way. The social conditioning that tells us that we must live a certain way, act a certain way and feel a certain way stops us from acknowledging truthfully that which we want deeply - our deep tissue desires.

How often do you give yourself what you want? How often do you neglect this part of yourself - the very call of your soul?

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Claudette Rowley, coach and author, helps professionals identify and pursue their true purpose and calling in life. Contact her today for a complimentary consultation at 781-676-5633 or claudette@metavoice.org. Sign up for her free newsletter "Insights for the Savvy" at http://www.metavoice.org.

The 5 Keys to Interpersonal Success

The 5 Keys to Interpersonal Success
Copyright © 2004 Joseph Sommerville, PhD
Peak Communication Performance
http://www.peakcp.com


In survey after survey, interpersonal communication skills are
consistently ranked at or near the top of a list of skills
necessary for career success. People who possess these skills
enjoy a richer personal life, better relationships at work and
more productive interactions with those around them. Teams with
members who excel at these skills are more productive and more
cohesive. No one is born with these "people skills." They are
the result of attention and practice. Here are five guaranteed
ways to hone your people skills.

1. Recognize differences in people and be ready to adapt.
Because we think of ourselves at operating within a norm, we
tend to see people who act and communicate differently from us
as deviating from the norm. As a result, we believe that one
communication style (ours) should fit all. Overcome this
limiting mindset by recognizing differences in preferences
and motivations among people.
If it's all about communicating you say, why do we need all the
distinctions? You don't use a rolling pin to chop vegetables
and you don't use a chef's knife to roll out bread dough, even
though it's all cooking. You have to choose the right tool for
the right job.
For example, a fundamental principle of adult learning theory
is that we have different preferences for acquiring knowledge.
Depending on those preferences, we'll be more effective in
communicating our message when we learn whether to emphasize
visual, verbal or tactile approaches.
People also have different motivations. Anne may be motivated
by the promise of a salary increase while David strives for peer
recognition. Discovering and applying the right motivation will
help you get the cooperation you need from others.

2. Learn to listen well. When people compliment someone on
being a great communicator, they often mean that the person is
a good listener. Although most of us will have had at least one,
if not several courses on reading, writing and speaking during
our years of formal education, have you ever taken a listening
course? We spend more time listening than in any other
communication activity. In fact, given how much time we spend
listening, it's neglect is surprising.
A major problem with listening occurs when we approach an
interaction with different goals. I may be listening to gather
information and solve a problem while my partner wants me to
listen so that I empathize with his or her feelings. If I'm
focused on generating solutions when my partner is looking for
support, I'll be perceived to be "not listening" or unsympathetic
to my partner's point of view.
Sometimes, what you see as a simple yes or no question designed
to elicit information will be interpreted as a criticism of the
other person. Don't become frustrated when your question is met
with more information than you expected. It's probably designed
to establish a context for the answer and explain the behavior
that your partner thought you criticized.
To improve your listening skills, you'll need to develop genuine
interest in your partner. Demonstrate your interest by seizing
opportunities to ask questions. Search for common ground and be
open to the possibility that you'll learn something new. There
is a wise old saying that we were born with two ears but only
one mouth so we could listen twice as much as we talk.

3. Realize that communication is more than just the words we
use. We take communication for granted because we do it so
frequently, but it's actually a complex process. While we are
all wired with the same hardware (brain), the software
(interpretive framework) varies tremendously among individuals.
This means that given the same input (behaviors or words), we
will reach different conclusions based on how we process that
data. There are three aspects involved: 1) What you mean to say,
2) How you code this thought into language that gets verbalized
and 3) How people interpret what you say. Consequently, there
is often a tremendous difference between what you say and what
someone hears.
Meant: "I know this is a big project, so I should chip in and
pull my weight."
Said: "I'd like to offer my help on the project."
Heard: "You're not doing this right, so I'd better become
involved."
Meant: "I'm very busy with all the projects I've been assigned."
Said: "I'll get to your task as soon as I can."
Heard: "Your task isn't as important to me as the other things
I'm doing."
Be sensitive to the non-verbal clues of your partner and explain
statements that seem puzzling or critical.

4. Learn to manage conflict rather than avoid it. We often
think of conflict as something to be avoided at all costs.
However, conflict is a natural part of human interaction.
Sometimes, in an effort to avoid conflict, important information
isn't communicated. Avoidance is only one strategy among many.
When an issue is very important to someone else, but of little
consequence to you, consider accommodating the person.
Managed properly, conflict can actually be beneficial. For
example, conflict provides a method to weed out faulty
assumptions and premises. Make a clear distinction between a
conflict with a person and that person's ideas. Show respect
for the person even when you disagree with the ideas. Learn
to manage conflict with the appropriate strategy rather than
simply to avoid it.

5. Be known for positive rather than negative interactions.
This doesn't mean you have to be an optimist on steroids. An
over-the-top optimist never recognizes a problem exists. A
pessimist never realizes a solution exists. When you
consistently maintain a positive frame of mind, you'll become
known as a problem-solver rather than a complainer. People
avoid complainers. They seek out problem-solvers.
A great way to demonstrate a positive outlook is in your
language. When someone thanks you, do you ever respond with
the phrase "No problem" or "Not a problem" ? If so, you are
marking the interaction by two negative words. Turn those
negatives into positives by responding "I'm glad to help" or
"It was my pleasure."

Developing excellent interpersonal skills requires recognition of
differences, listening, an awareness of the different aspects of
communication, strategies for managing conflict and an optimistic
outlook. People who choose to improve their interpersonal skills
can do so. Remember, an individual's interpersonal style is not
just "who he or she is." It is who he or she chooses to be.


Resource Box:
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Dr. Joseph Sommerville helps professionals create more persuasive
messages. He is the President of Peak Communication Performance
(http://www.peakcp.com), a Houston-based firm working worldwide
to help professionals develop skills in strategic communication.
Contact him at mailto:Sommerville@Peakcp.Com
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